Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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