I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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