is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
