i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
