I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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