so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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