Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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