I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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