I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
