I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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