I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
