Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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