You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
