When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
