Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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