omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
