I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
