When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
