READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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