im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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