I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
All I want is dick and wine.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
