I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
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