Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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