Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
