Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
