I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
