with your own penis?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
