I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
