everyone is single if you try hard enough
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
