So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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