apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
