he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
