felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
