Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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