seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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