The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize