marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I smell stomach acid.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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