I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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