I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
