I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
