dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
