If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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