Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
