I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
