that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
