worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
