He asked me if I "almost moaned"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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