Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
