Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
