Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
