They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
