The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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