bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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