I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
