I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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