I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
