Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
