Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
