After last night, I could never be a politician.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
