thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
