She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
