My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
