can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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