Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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