it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
im about as happy as oj after his trial
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
