Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
COCAINE IS GR8
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
