So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
